Aftermath
by Fallenbelle2
Summary: William and Julia discuss the aftermath of the events of 9x18. Warning: Triggers for rape.
Title: Aftermath

Author: Fallenbelle

Rating: T for discussions of rape and sexual matters

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Warning: Triggers for male rape

Notes: This fic was born from a discussion with LoveMondays on whether or not William was raped during his time with Eva. I think it could have happened either way, but this is where I think it went. It is entirely possible for a man to be raped. Google it if you don't believe me.

* * *

After Julia had almost bled to death there, and Worsely's body had been found in their marital bed, the charm of residing at the Windsor House Hotel had been lost, and William and Julia had decided to leave their first home together in favor of a new address.

Of course, it had been a mutual decision as well, as the hotel had politely suggested such a move themselves, finding the trouble that William and Julia attracted unpalatable, even if it was unwanted and unintentional.

Thus, six weeks after the events of that fateful Sunday morning, they were well settled in a suite at the newly constructed King Edward Hotel while waiting for their house to be completed. It was a bonus that the move both pleased and excited Julia, and therefore pleased William because after having come so close to losing her, he would do anything to see her smile and encourage her to heal. He viewed it as his sacred duty and a part of the vow he had made to cherish her as well as care for her in sickness and in health.

If only he could heal himself, but save for the almost healed broken hand that was the least of his worries, his wounds were mental.

One would think that with having a wife trained in psychiatry, any psychological trauma would quickly be dealt with, but in this instance she was the last person with whom he could share his experiences.

But he and Julia weren't as close these days as they had previously been. Between her need to physically recover from her gunshot wounds and his horror at reliving the trauma he'd experienced with Eva, they hadn't been physically or emotionally intimate since the morning she'd been shot.

Thus, not for the first time since the ordeal, he awoke to find himself drenched in sweat and heart racing as his mind relived the time he spent as Eva's captive as well as attempt to fill in the blanks of the time he was drugged and unconscious.

Extricating himself from the bed so as to not wake Julia, he made his way into the parlor of their new abode and poured himself a small glass of whiskey, hoping that even the fleeting relief it promised would be enough to give him a few precious hours of sleep. Not for the first time, he wondered if Julia noticed that the stash of whiskey fluctuated or how often it needed to be replenished.

Walking over to the window, he stared at the view and contemplated the cut glass of tumbler before bringing it up to his lips and closing his eyes. He'd never cared for the taste of the stuff, but in a few moments of desperation over the past few weeks, he'd recently taken to the beverage in an effort to escape the unwanted memories that asserted themselves in the night. Grimacing, he took the first sip, hoping it wouldn't take long to work.

So deep in thought he'd been, he hadn't realized that not only had Julia awoken as well, but also had wrapped her hand around the glass, and quietly taken it from him.

"Since when did William Murdoch take to drink to escape his concerns?" she asked with a light teasing tone. "I know you, William. That's not going to help you. Why don't you tell me what happened with Eva," she whispered, setting the glass down on the table beside them.

"Julia, it's not necessary. I was just…" he began before she interrupted him again.

"William, it's bothering you to the point where you've decided to start drinking when you normally abstain. I should think discussing it is quite necessary actually," she finished.

"Julia, I…. I'd rather not, if you don't mind," he declined.

"I _do_ mind, William. This is something that needs to be discussed and this is as good a time as any," she argued.

Grimacing, he looked at the drink, wondering if he needed it for the courage to tell her of the events that had transpired.

"William," she prodded, sensing his reticence, "she tried to kill me and abducted you," she reminded him. "This is most certainly a matter of great importance."

As much as he hated to admit it, he had to concede that she was right. The matter had to be discussed as the guilt of his secret weighed heavily upon his conscience and was, without a doubt, affecting their marriage.

"Allow me to begin. If I make a mistake, please correct me," Julia started.

William nodded nervously in agreement.

"After she shot me, she later returned to the suite that night and abducted you. I'm assuming that she must have drugged you in some way, as you would not have gone willingly. Given that there was still rope wrapped around one of wrists, you were also restrained in some fashion. How?' she asked.

"There was something in the tea…chloral hydrate according to Miss James. I fell asleep pouring over your personal correspondence-why didn't you tell me that you had been receiving threatening letters? You should have told me, Julia," he said.

"I didn't think they were important, just some harmless ramblings," she began. But sensing his objection and knowing that they had been indirectly linked to her attempted murder, she saw his point and held up her hand in acknowledgement. "You're right, William. I should have told you about them," she conceded, motioning for him to continue.

Sensing that he was not going to be able to postpone this conversation forever, William took a deep breath and continued. " I was drugged. When I awoke, significant time had passed, and my wrists and ankles were tied to the bed."

"That's not all that happened, though. There was more, William," Julia prodded.

Nodding, he continued. "She…Eva climbed atop me… mounted me. My jacket, vest, and shirt had been removed and she stroked my chest and…" he motioned lower towards his groin, not quite able to say the words while wincing. Julia pursed her lips, and nodded. William continued. "My trousers were already unbuttoned, but they hadn't been removed. I don't know…" he fumbled, unable to say these words either.

Julia blanched and grit her teeth. She turned from him and paced the suite for a few minutes while William sat in anxious silence, waiting for her next response. "You don't know what happened while you were unconscious, do you?" she finally asked.

William shook his head and squeezed his eyes tightly shut as if doing so would make the whole matter disappear. This next part was going to go down even worse than the previous one had, but there was no way to hide it from her. She'd find the truth one way or another; she always did.

"What did she say to you?" Julia asked, the question he'd dreaded as much if not more as to what he had physically done with Eva.

"She said that she was going to give me what I always wanted…something you never could…" he replied, dreading the explosion that was guaranteed to soon be forthcoming.

"What was she going to give you, William? What is it that I can't give you," she asked, her voice now strung taught with hurt and anger, pitch rising.

"You already know, Julia."

"I want you to say the words, William. What were they?"

William stood up and walked back over to the window, reclaiming his whiskey from the table. This time, he did not hesitate to take a gulp and a few moments to gather his courage.

"William, what was she going to give you?" Julia asked again, her voice even higher.

Tossing back the remainder of his whiskey, he squared his shoulders and turned around, readying himself for the fury.

"A child, Julia. She was going to give me a child."

"How did she know, William? How did she know that's what you dearly wanted, and that I couldn't give it to you? Surely you didn't…" she trailed off.

"Of course I didn't. You know that I would never and have never told another soul, Julia. I want to know how she knew those things about us as well," he reassured her.

"What was your reaction, William? Were you excited and aroused at all by the prospect of making a child with a woman?" she asked, her voice high with anger once again.

"No! How could you say that? I married you with full knowledge and I continue to stand by now what I said then-we can adopt. I don't need a biological child, but I do need you" William reassured her, taking her hands in his, needing the physical contact and her reassurance that she wasn't angry at him.

"Perhaps I killed your unborn child, William. Do you still need and love me now?" she acidly asked, pulling her hands away from his as she stormed back into their bedroom. William knew better than to follow her, instead sitting on the couch, putting his head in his hands, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill down his face.

A few moments later, she reappeared, dressed in shirt and pants, and stormed out of their suite, slowing only to grab her overcoat. He felt actual pain in his chest and couldn't breathe, as his worst fears had come true. Julia had rejected him, and additionally, he felt unclean, dirty, and unworthy of her or any decent woman, and not for the first time wondered aloud to God what he had done to deserve such a fate.

After a few moments of sorrow, he picked up his Bible and began to read the passages that comforted him the most. The last few weeks had been tumultuous as he had been so terrified of losing Julia first due to her wounds and now because he hadn't been able to master his physical reaction to a psychopath.

* * *

A couple of hours later Julia returned to the suite and she found him lying prone in their bed, the tracks of his dried tears still visible on his face. Feeling yet another dagger of guilt stab at her heart in how she had handled his confession, Julia quickly shrugged off her clothes and lay down next to him nude. It was important to her that she make herself as vulnerable to him as she possibly could.

"Julia, I…I don't know what to say. A few weeks ago I was so worried that I would lose you, that you were gone. I never dreamed that I would lose you through betrayal on my part. For what it's worth, I am sorry, Julia," William confessed with his head half buried in his pillow.

"If anything, I'm sorry for my behavior earlier William. It was hurtful, but you were not to blame, Eva was. I had to clear my mind and I had to realize that. It's her I'm angry with, and not you," Julia reassured him.

"Still, I'll never forgive myself for it," he murmured

"Shhhh. William, you have nothing to apologize for and you certainly didn't betray me. You were as much a victim as I was. You were the subject of unwanted sexual attention, you did nothing to invite it, and you certainly did not deserve it. Any reaction you may have had was purely a physical one. I know without a doubt that your heart and mind are mine" she reassured him while caressing his face.

"I was repulsed by her, knowing that she was the one who tried to kill you, yet my body acted and responded to her, and I was even more disgusted with myself, for betraying what solely belongs to you, and was willing to give to her," William admitted.

"Actually, what you went through was not at all unlike what a rape victim experiences. You did not want the contact, but rather it was forced upon you. You did not betray me, love, there's no doubt in my mind about that. If anything, I must apologize to you, William. You shared a secret with me, and I did not respond to it well. For that, I am sorry," she reassured him.

"I'm relieved, Julia. But I still feel unworthy somehow, angry at myself for not being able to stop it if anything did happen."

"Actually William, I'm not sure she did do anything to you while you were unconscious. If I'm correct, I think she would have wanted you conscious, an absolute clear signal that you had rejected me and had chosen her," Julia admitted.

William looked intrigued and considered the possibility, but said nothing.

"Even if she had taken advantage of you while you were unconscious, I think she would have told you that she'd had you. To make sure you knew that you had already forgotten me," she reassured him.

"She knew I hadn't forgotten you, she kept trying to convince me that you were dead. Even _forgave_ me for loving you, as though it were something I could ever stop doing," William replied with a laugh, hoping it would lighten the mood.

"It certainly wasn't the only time she was wrong."

"No? How so?" William wondered.

"She thought she loved you more than I did. She thought that I wouldn't escape from the hospital despite my injuries and find you; that I wouldn't be willing to kill for you as she had. She didn't acknowledge that you were already mine. " Julia explained as she trailed her hand down his chest.

With a sharp intake of breath, William rolled onto his back.

"What do you want, William?"

"I want to be yours again."

With a smile, Julia straddled him and began unbuttoning his pajama top. "You've always been mine, William, and you always will. Now, you're in charge, please tell me to stop at any time, if you so desire" she told him.

"I don't want to harm you, Julia. Are you sufficiently healed for such activities again?"

"I'm fine, William. In fact, such _activities_ as you call them, are necessary for my continued healing," she replied with a wry grin.

Nodding, he smiled and put his hands around her waist before abandoning himself to her ministrations.

Neither one of them were naïve to think that they had overcome their experiences, but both knew that they were on the way.


End file.
